fake: avoiding average

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places i'm speaking

rothesay vineyard - sunday 17th june
"defeating the principalities and powers - practical and mundane spiritual warfare"
jesuit conference - april 10th-12th 2007
hayes conference centre, derby, uk speaking on social justice and conflict resolution (particularly in the context of northern ireland) - what should we as christians be doing? trying to deconstruct the 'us' and 'them' boxes to stagger closer to reconciliation.

words words words

Walter Wink: Naming the Powers: Language of Power in the New Testament (The Powers : Volume One)
i like wink a lot. anyone who can write an essay entitled "how i got snagged by the seat of my pants while reading the bible" is an instant hit in my book. couple this with an astute academic mind and a sincere desire to discover what it means to follow god in this generation and the man rises to virtual sainthood! this is the first in wink's series on the principalities and "powers" mentioned throughout the bible. it is necessarily the most academic of the three as it sets the groundwork for the subsequent conclusions he pulls out on the other two books. but he writes well and covers the technical ground well. this is an important book (particularly for the evangelical church i feel). wink's central thesis is that both the evangelical tradition (in believing the 'powers' to be wholly other-worldly, AND the liberation theology tradition (in locating the powers solely in this present world) are mistaken. both are challenged here - though his writing will raise the heckles of conservative evangelicals moreso than the liberationists i think. this is a welcome surefire antidote to the inane and socially irresponsible teaching that spiritual warfare is conducted solely (or even mostly) on one's knees, rather than on the picket line, in the workplace, in the voting booth, in the day-to-day of normal living. read it and buy an extra copy for your pastor! (***)
David Bodanis: E=mc2: A Biography of the World's Most Famous Equation
an immensely readable account of the equation most people are likely to be able to quote but few can explain. bodanis takes each element in the equation and tells the tale of the people responsible for the major discoveries in that area to show upon whose shoulders einstein stood and what the consequences for the 20th and 21st centuries and beyond have been and are. don't be put off by the scientific nature of the subject matter, it really is written with the non-expert in mind. neat appendices tucked away at the back of the book and a web-site are where those wanting more detail are directed so as not to intimidate or overwhelm the masses. it really does read more like a social commentary/biography than a science book. enlightening and light. a rare combination. nice. (****)
Peter Rollins: How (Not) to Speak of God
How_not_to_speak_of_god_cover how (not) to speak of god is an important and beautiful book. we are living in a fractured time. we do not yet know what we are let alone where we are going other than (in rollins’ words) “away-from-here.” we are defined by what we are not (postmodern) and by the fact that we are moving, or emerging, but not yet by what we are or by any final destination. it’s easy to lose hope in this generation. all the enlightenment promises of certainty, provability and universal Truth now look jaded in the cold and often terrifying light of postmodern philosophical thought. into this arena steps my good friend, peter rollins and he is like a breath of fresh air. rollins is uniquely positioned to write this book of popular philosophical a/theology. he hails from the evangelical/charismatic tradition, so he is perfectly placed to offer a sensitive critique to that community; he has a doctorate in philosophy, so he is well-versed in nietzsche, jaques derrida, meister eckhart, jean-luc marion, hans-georg gadamer and so on and is able to appropritate their insights and criticisms into his and our theology; he has been a youth-worker and a conference speaker, so he has well-honed gifts in communication and is adept at making the profound intelligible to ordinary plebs like you and me; and he is actively involved in leadership of a christian community, so these issues are not theoretical to him, but deeply personal and practical. if you’ve heard pete speak you’ll know how passionate he is about these issues. if you have heard him on more than one occasion, then to be honest there will be little new here for you. but that is a long way from saying that the book is not worth buying and reading. i read my copy in one sitting and will no doubt return to it again and again. as i do with every book i read this with a pen and a yellow highlighter in hand so as to be able to remember the important bits and note where i disagreed or was provoked to think about something. it’s now with some sense of dismay that i flick through a book where practically every page has a radioactive glow to it! one of pete's chief gifts is in analogy and parable. how sad it is that jesus’ parables no longer take our breath away. truly great parables always have the audience nodding their heads as the story starts, thinking they know the ending right from the get-go only to be slapped in the face and completely offended by the shocking twist-in-the-tale. rollins stories are clever, poignant, offensive and often very moving. this is not a book of dull theology. this is a book of poetry. rollins’ concern is that people often ask him what he believes but never how he believes. in his view belief should always be transformative “the reversal from ‘right belief’ to ‘believing in the right way’ is in no way a move to some binary opposite of the first (for the opposite of right belief is simply wrong belief); rather, it is a way of transcending the binary altogether. thus orthodoxy is no longer (mis)understood as the opposite of heresy but rather is understood as a term that signals a way of being in the world rather than a means of believing things about the world… it is an approach which emphasises the priority of love: not as something which stands opposed to the knowledge of god, but, more radically still, as knowledge of god… orthodoxy, as believing in the right way, as bringing love to the world around us and within us … that will cost us everything. for to live by that sword, as we all know, is to die by it.” (pg 3.) if you find yourself agreeing with everything rollins says here, he’d probably say himself that you’re not reading carefully enough. this is a book to rock our comfortable boat, to provoke thought, to engage and begin a conversation with the reader. don’t read this if your theology is rock-solid and water-tight, this book will either shatter that faith completely or make you want to crucify the author as a heretic! i guess my only criticism of this book is that it’s left me hungry for more. i wish it had been two books rather than one. the first half of the book is the argument/discussion/theory; the second a series of ten liturgies, used by the ikon community in belfast to attempt to outwork the implications of living for christ today. liturgy needs to be experienced/said/shared to be truly effective. i want more of the thought-provoking insight contained in the first half. roll on book number two. i’m concerned that this review doesn’t do justice to the book. rollins is a much better communicator than i am. his words are much more poetic than mine. if i’ve made it sound dull, philosophical and high-brow i’ve misled you. if you think this is another book of wishy-washy new-age theology again that’s probably my fault, for nothing could be further from the truth. read this book and if you ever get the opportunity, go and listen to this humble pilgrim. it sounds like i’m on his payroll. to be honest i struggle with much of rollin’s insight and thought. as paul tillich points out, “most human beings of course are not able to stand the message of the shaking of the foundations. they reject and attack the prophetic minds, not because they really disagree with them, but because they sense the truth of their words and cannot receive it.” i may disagree with his thinking at times (though I fear he is right more than i like to admit) but his commitment to and love for god are never in question. this book is a call to love god and love people. sit up church. the voice of one calling “in the desert prepare the way of the lord.” there is a transformative message here for those who have ears to hear. (*****)
Bruce Ellis Benson: Graven Ideologies: Nietzche, Derrida & Marion on Modern Idolatry
ah what a welcome book! at last an evangelical who actually understands and takes seriously what nietzsche, derrida and marion (as well as many others such as husserl, heidegger, leotard, gadamer...) say. i'm so tired of reading christians, who really ought to know better, wailing a lament for a non-existent time past when everyone 'knew' the Truth, God could be proved and placed in a little rational box, and everyone knew right from wrong. these writers herald deconstructionism and phenomenology as simple relativism leading to inevitable nihilism; they set postmodern philosophy up as a straw man, astonishing (and sedating) us with their intellectual prowess, as they proceed to scare the big, bad, postmodern bogeyman away. benson points out that not only is this bogeyman not going anywhere fast, but he should be welcomed as a friend.

foundationalism is dead and gone - everyone (with the possible exception of the christian writers referred to above) knows this. the enlightenment deceived us. rather than nietzsche being the nihilist, benson points out that he simply pointed out the inevitable nihilism which results from modernism, and the christian morality which ties itself too closely with it.

now that we know that there is no foundation for knowledge (and never has been) which cannot be undermined somehow, benson forces the evangelical church to sit up and ask, 'what now?' here we find help in surprising places (at least for some). benson shows how the three thinkers in his title offer us some possible paths through this crisis.

his writing is clear and engaging and one quickly realises that this is somone who has read beyond the flycover of these authors - he has grappled with their thought at length. this would be a great first introduction to these philosophical greats, and really ought to be read by every thinking christian to see how we in the church ought to 'be' in our time.

brilliant. go. read.

now.

that is all. (*****)
Stanley J. Grenz: Renewing the Center: Evangelical Theology in a Post-Theological Era
stan grenz died in march 2005. his voice will be much missed in the contemporary debate within evangelicalism. although holding on to (too?) much traditional evangelical orthodoxy, grenz argues that evangelicals harken back to enlightenment principles (such as decartes' foundational view of epistemology) rather than facing up to the realities of the current thinking and new philosophical discoveries. this book is useful again as it addresses evangelicals in their own terms. no evangelical will be alienated by this book, but will find themselves gently nudged leftwards. therein lies my only criticism: the evangelical church needs dragged kicking and screaming and i wonder if this nudge is too subtle to really do the job. (***)
carl raschke: the next reformation: why evangelicals must embrace postmodernity
raschke writes from within the evangelical community. he writes with academic acumen and passion - a rare combination. this book is a really great introduction to the genuine postmodern debate, rather than the characature or straw man often presented in evangelical circles. raschke neither demonises nor lionises postmodernity, but simply shows the opportunities now facing church as a result of this new zeitgeist. rather than ignoring or rejecting culture outright, the church must realise that culture is amoral - available for appropriation and shaping - NOT immoral. that being the case, raschke is unrelenting in revealing just how completely the church has bought in to (or sold out to) modernity. the new challanges postmodernity presents us with as christians cannot be disregarded any longer. fore-warned is fore-armed. this book is apposite counsel. agree or disagree with raschke, he will not be easily dismissed. he is too briefly dismissive of the radical orthodoxy movement and his last couple of chapters are less rigorous and academic than the rest - he seems to come close to suggesting that the charismatic movement is the ideal representation of postmodern church. this could have been remedied by more rigorous editing as it is obvious they would be better suited to a more testimonial-type book. the rest, however, is excellent. (****)
E.P. Sanders: Paul: A Very Short Introduction (Very Short Introduction S.)
this is a lovely series of books - beautifully simple presentation. this one is a reprint of sanders earlier "paul" (1971). he single-handedly changed the way the apostle paul is studied in theology - reponsible for the so-called "new perspective on paul". this is a very readable and enjoyable introduction to the most important christian theologian of all time. whether you've studied theology or not this tiny little book will whet your appetite for more! while you're at it buy a copy for your pastor/minister/priest. easy to fit in your pocket and read in a couple of hours on the train. (****)
John Caputo: On Religion (Thinking in Action S.)
ok so jack caputo's a total heretic. tell him something he doesn't know! this book is beautiful. caputo is an inspirational writer. his most mundane prose still rings with a poetry that puts most authors (never mind theologians!) to shame. his thoughts are always challenging (especially to those of an evangelical persuasion) but this is postmodern theology at its best. you don't have to believe everything he says to appreciate the beauty of his thinking. highly recommended. (****)
James D. G. Dunn: A New Perspective on Jesus: What the Quest for the Historical Jesus Missed (Acadia Studies in Bible and Theology)
a genuinely fresh insight. james dunn's book attempts to do for jesus what he has previously attempted to do for paul - get back to the original. traditionally trying to get back to the 'real' jesus results in 'the jesus seminar' type approach - religating anything which smacks of the supernatural to get back to 'the historical jesus.' dunn argues tis approach is doomed to fail; that the ONLY record we have of jesus is that written through the eyes of faith. jesus' disciples talked about him, wrote about him, followed him BECAUSE they believed he was the messiah. the 'historical' jesus is therefore synonymous with the christ of faith. wonderful insight. easy to read and thoroughly engaging. a great counter to post-liberal scholarship. a valuable voice in the continuing debate over the nature and identity of jesus. (****)
Alain Badiou: Saint Paul: The Foundation of Universalism (Cultural Memory in the Present)
an interesting find this one: an atheist writing on paul! now before you turn away in disdain, he's got some really interesting and profound insight. it's only 128 pages so it's not going to suck up your entire life to take some time looking it over. he argues that paul sees the world in terms of jews and greeks who look to prophets and philosophers respectively as sources of authority. badiou argues that paul is able to appeal for universal acceptance of the truths he proclaims by appealing to apostolic authority in opposition to jewish and greek authority figures. interesting, challenging and insightful. (****)
ed. Merold Westphal: Postmodern Philosophy and Christian Thought
i liike westphal. this book is clear and challenging and includes many diverse responses to postmodernist thought. there is no doubt at all that we are moving beyond modernism yet (as with most things) the church has been slow to respond. this reader, although academic, is very approachable and clearly written. Contributors include: Steven Bouma-Prediger, John D. Caputo, George Connell, Andrew J. Dell'Olio, Garrett Green, Lee Hardy, Brian D. Ingraffia, Walter Lowe, Jean-Luc Marion, Gary Percesepe, Merold Westphal, W. Jay Wood, Norman Wirzba, and Edith Wyschogrod. if there's not someone in that group who gets under your skin and makes you itchy for more, you're just not trying! (****)
Brian D. McLaren: A Generous Orthodoxy: Why I Am a Missional, Evangelical, Post/Protestant, Liberal/Conservative, Mystical/Poetic, Biblical, Charismatic/Contemplative, Fundamentalist/Calvinist, Anabaptist/Anglican, Methodist, Catholic, Green, Incarnational, Depressed-yet-Hopeful, Emergent, Unfinished CHRISTIAN
What a breath of fresh air Brian McLaren is. He's another one like Jimmy Dunn who encourages me to stay within the evangelical church. he's DELIBERATELY provocative and abstruse to encourage and open up discussion rather than close it down (a point many of his detractors seem to forget!) He tries to take the best from the many traditions within Christendom while generously overlooking their weaknesses. of course i don't agree with all he says. but of course i've never found an author with whom i totally agree. How dull if i did! that's what makes them thought-provoking and challenging to me! fresh and inspiring. (*****)
D. A. Carson: Becoming Conversant with the Emerging Church : Understanding a Movement and Its Implications
ok so it's carson so you prety much know from the outset where he's coming from. I'm fascinated by the emerging church movement (no doubt you'll read more and more about it on this site.) The biggest criticism i have of the it is that often it's a movement in search of a theology. although carson critiques the movement from the right he gives a more sympathetic hearing to emerging church than you might think. it's certainly a good book to introduce mainstream to conservative evangelicals to the opportunities (as well as what carson sees as some pitfalls) presented by living in our times. (***)
G.K. Chesterton: Orthodoxy
what do you mean you haven't read this???!!! Stop wasting your time on the internet and GET THIS BOOK!!! I first read this book 15 years ago but i think it's only now that i'm appreciating the sheer genius of the man! If anyone can read chapter 4 'The Ethics of Elfland' without a huge smile on their face i'll eat ... well at least a donut on your behalf!! Truly postmodern apologetics at it's best. Chesterton argues persuasivley that the MOST real and factual things we know do not come through science or mathematics but fairy tales. GENIUS!!! (*****)
Leonard Sweet: Church in Emerging Culture: Five Perspectives
Another book that gives me hope. The Church in general and the evangelical church in particular seems hell-bent on ignoring culture at best or, in the scant attention it does pay, seems to be focused soley on denouncing rather than on understanding and assimilating where appropriate. This book is a good popular attempt to support a dialogue within the evangelical church on various options for progress. The foramat of this book is also novel and interesting. Each of the authors writes their owb chapters (coming from very disparate theological stances within evangelicalism) which are interspersed in grayscale with supportive or argumentative responses from the other authors. [Not really sure i'm communicating that well. Take a wee look at the book and you'll instantly understand what i'm talking about.] The overall impression becomes one of an emerging conversation and discussion rather than a univocular polemic. This isn't an academic book (i mean that in a good way!) so definitely pick it up and give it a go. (****)
Anthony C. Thiselton: The First Epistle to the Corinthians (New International Greek Testament Commentary Series)
Well it's not exactly a quick read weighing in at an astounding 1480 pages but this commentary is EXCELLENT. What can i say. I've had the privilege of being taught by Anthony. He's a legend. Reading Anthony is like reading EVERYONE who's ever said ANYTHING theological about 1st Corinthians. It's easy to become overwhelmed with the sheer enormity of the research this volume represents, but Anthony's style is always fresh and engaging. He gives his own translation from the Greek and then gives lucid and (IMHO) balanced comment on the various positions that have been taken on this letter while not hesitating to nail his own colours to the mast. This is highly recommended for anyone who has an interest in hermeneutics or Pauline theology in general or 1st Corinthians in particular. (*****)
James Dunn: The Theology of Paul the Apostle
jimmy dunn's a bit of a star. he's one of the authors that keeps me calling myself an evangelical. if there's room for the likes of him there's room for me. his writing is easy to read, scholarly and engaging - an unusual mix! add to this dunn's ability to take on board the latest theological discoveries on Paul without losing the wonder of the salvation Paul himself seeks to describe and proclaim and you've got a great theology text. (****)
Bible & Culture Collective: The Postmodern Bible
an interesting collection of essays on various approaches adopted by postmodern theologians to biblical criticism - including reader-response, deconstructionalist and a host of others. (***)

sites to see

atto :: helloatto.com
this is the site of my good friends pete and heather. you've just gotta take a wee look. they're doing some really lovely things in visual communication. their main focus at the moment is on interactive children's books which are really quite delicious. pete worked for me when madministries was a thing. he made me look good. the site's still there (www.madministries.com) if you want to go see though mad* has expired long ago and is no more. everything that looks lovely here, from web design to posters for cheap date all originated in his wee head. how clever!
emergingchurch.info : a touching place for the emerging church
this is a place which intrigues me. you'll be challenged, provoked, infuriated and hopefully enlightened (maybe even altered?!) especially check out pete rollins wee interview at http://www.emergingchurch.info/stories/cafe/peterollins/index.htm. nice.
ikon - belfast
a rare and beautiful thing: an emerging church with thought and theology behind it! the founding guy behind it, pete rollins (philosopher/theologian/prophet/guru/teller of tales) is a good friend of mine. i miss seeing him more regularly now we live over in chester but i don't think there's anyone in my life who challenges my thinking more than pete. he's probably the smartest person i've met but isn't totally arsey with it - another rarity! we disagree frequently and vigorously but pete has an integrity linking his theology to his life which means he is always worth listening to and learning from. he says people ask too often what he believes but rarely want to know 'how' he believes; how his belief alters him, betters him, makes him more like jesus. in this vein i think pete believes well.
madministries.com
well the site may look a little outdated now but back in the day it was way ahead of the field thanks to the genius of pete kerr. what's more important is the content. i founded mad* in 1999 and worked for it for three very happy years before moving over to Chester. read some of the testimonies of people who where impacted by this ministry. it was such a privelege to be involved. hopefully Fake will take things in a new and even more exciting direction.
Third Way Magazine
i've subscribed to Third Way for over a decade now. every issue there'll be at least one article which will cause you to think. the only christian magazine in the uk worth handing over your hard-earned cash for. essential reading!
wee alli's page
this is the page of my beautiful, smart wee wife alli, with all her thoughts and musings on life and stuff. click constantly on it as she's much more faithful at updating than i am! o and she's nice.
Welcome to Emergent Village
it was brian mclaren who first switched me on to this project. come and be.

i remember my best friend in school coming in one day and asking me if i’d seen the new movie “pretty woman” with a brand new lead, julia roberts, who was, according to my friend, the hottest thing on earth since fire had been discovered. and so began my obsession with redheads - from faux to genuine…

but that’s another story!

anyway, at the end of this cinderella fairy-tale, after the prince has scooped the girl onto his white steed, the camera focuses on a homeless guy ranting to (or at) bemused passers-by on the streets of l.a. “everybody’s got a dream” he says, “what’s your dream?” the idea being that america is the place where all your dreams can come true — where every prostitute has the chance of meeting and marrying a handsome multi-millionaire, who knows everything about her and still loves her passionately.

of course, it’s a lie. hooking is lewd, grubby, isolating and dangerous and america is a country where the rich get obscenely rich and the poor stay put, at best. so it is with most dreams — they lose their lustre in the unforgiving daylight. (had joseph known that his brothers bowing before him would come only after slavery, exile and imprisonment, i wonder if he would have been so quick to boast to them of his visions).

i’m at a stage in life where i’m spending a lot of time reflecting on my dreams. to be honest, i’m not at all sure what they are any more. here we are in canada, in our beautiful house with our incredible view; alli and i love one another passionately - not in any merely superficial way, but surrendering to one another’s gaze, apprehending each another’s flaws and faults and volitionally choosing what our hearts have already chosen; after being resigned for many years to the fact that i would never have children naturally, i’m going to be a daddy in nine weeks! the fairy-tale.

and yet i am restless.

part of this is simply symptomatic of being a malcontent - a mid-life crisis as cliched as is possible. but, deep down, there is a kernel of something nobel in this relentless itch to which i must pay heed.

in nine weeks i’m going to be a father. in one sense, that makes me feel incredibly special. in another sense i feel all too common. as it did when alli and i got married, the world stands at our door and says “now you have to settle down! put all the childish nonsense behind you and fall in line.” we resisted absolutely back then by selling everything we owned and investing it all in our amazing trip through north america. this time resistance feels much more difficult; i’m not even sure i know how.

i see train tracks stretching off into the distance and i am on them - the course of my life totally planned out, with no room for variation or digression. the tracks lead in only one direction. the destination is unavoidable and every day which passes pulls me inexorably towards it: cookie-cutter existence; the average; normality; doing a job which involves me spending at least 40 hours a week away from the people i love most in the world; doing something i’m not utterly passionate about, to get a pay-cheque at the end of the month. here we are, husband and wife, with the house, the kid on the way, the dog and even the minivan (no longer for traveling round the world in, but for school runs and hockey games).

after a lifetime of taking the road less travelled, i feel like i’m suddenly on the highway with everyone else. ironically, this is the moment i feel more isolated and alone than ever.

“agh, suck it up cupcake!” i hear you say. “welcome to the real world”.

and maybe i just should, if it weren’t for this nagging restlessness inside me, telling me, reminding me, there is more.

we spend so much time in our institutions - schools, governments, churches (they’re all the same) - breeding quiet clones who will fall in line and become little capitalist consumers like the generation before them and the one before that. but haven’t you been listening? haven’t you heard? capitalism is in its death throes; the west is waning and a new world order is emerging - one no longer dominated by the usa, germany, the uk and france, but by china, brazil, india and the entire african continent. we need a new course. we need a new breed. and now, when we need them, where are the leaders, the liberators, the revolutionaries and hell-raisers? where are the malcolm xs, the martin luther kings, the gandhis, the che guevarras, the michael collinses, the suffragettes, the conscientious objectors?

i want to be a different kind of husband, father, citizen, christian, man. different than i’ve been taught; much, much different than i am.

don’t get me wrong. it’s not that i stand aloof, removed, above, judging from a distance. it’s much more the case that i feel myself judged - weighed and found wanting - every single day, in just about every single way. however, i have the burning, dirty embers of a dream inside of me. i still want to change the world, i’m just completely clueless now as to how to do it (and i was so certain twenty years ago!)

“a voice says, ‘cry out!’ and i say ‘what shall i cry?’”

i have no idea any more, but i’m still willing to scream and scream and scream if yhwh has anything at all for me to say.

where is richard gere when you need him?!

Comments

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are you a 4 on the enneagram by any chance Shane?

you have some interesting comments - You might consider being content with where our creator has placed you for now. Change happens in small ways as well as big.

With the people you are working with, your family and friends, those who journey alongside you daily, weekly, monthly and weekly.

You are the one who can keep the passion burning but only if you choose to do so!

There are many people like you in this world and there is a time for everything and everything has its time... Perhaps your time has still to come... perhaps it is with your family.... perhaps.... Creator God knows when and what.....

Posted by: Dot Gosling | Sunday, 02 November 2008 at 10:07 AM

somebody is gonna get their butt kicks for posting such a horrible pic of me!!

:o)

Posted by: alli | Sunday, 02 November 2008 at 10:40 AM

Point of interest: Richard Gere was a mess in that movie. And after the credits rolled, I'm pretty sure their relationship devolved into insurmountably petty rows about STDs and class differences somewhere around week 14.

Changes really do only happen a little at a time. Though often they appear to bundle in overnight for other people. A lot of your fears about lovely homes, marriages, growing up and settling down all sound very Ulsterified. And perhaps that's universal. People around us in formative years typifying an ideal based on genetics and propagation that is never meant to truly satisfy.

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

(Elsewhere, drink two litres of water a day, breathe well and try to stay in the moment. I'm pretty sure you know what to cry out.)

Posted by: Dawn Watson | Monday, 03 November 2008 at 12:37 PM

i just dont get it. call me nieve. call me blind to the dream, but i just dont get it.you ARE living the dream! i dont know ANYONE else who would pack up and leave all of lifes securities,to travel the world and end up in one of th most beautiful countries ever. count yourself blessed mate. some of us just dont have the guts.

having a family is not the end of your dream shane, its the start. your dream is within you. ever ounce of your being made for this.every cell in your body screams out and if it didnt you would slip into a coma (which i fear is happening)

THIS IS YOUR DAY. seize it. grab it and never let it go. i know you feel the weight of responsiblity of being a father (and trust me, im still in shock, cant imagine what u guys are feeling) but that is not the end. you will teach your child how to be passionate about injustice, how to be kind to the point of embaressment, how to grow and love the Lord, but most of all how to love. to love is to live. that is the gift of parenthood. dont let it slow you down, let it spur you on.

that restlessness you feel is important, it means your not satisfied with just slipping into normality. its not who you and alli are.

i wish i felt restless.

Be encouraged my friend, you have left some of us better people that we can imagine.

Posted by: Dee | Monday, 03 November 2008 at 12:37 PM

I read this with interest Shane, because I know what you mean, I believe its more to do with how we were brought up, how we see the changes afoot. Mini magee will be here shortly and the big "coughs" O is on the horizon.Change always prompts review
I find it interesting you reference Pretty Woman as I think we were children of the 80's truly, not just the bad perms and dayglo clothes(you know what i mean!!),but nothing was out of reach, the economy boomed, Maggie made it possible for our parents to be home owners, our grandparents fought a war and provided us with health care and the chance at university.We were taught to look for more, that we should reach out and make our mark.
Its hard to put this into words without sounding negative but when I lift my head from the daily grind I gotta be thankful,I have had difficulties but never anything that cant be overcome ,I have never starved (only intentionally;)!)I have always had a roof over my head, which are things to be grateful for not take for granted because they happen even in first world countries.But even as I lift my head that small nagging (dream?) is still there. I suppose its what makes us ,us.

Posted by: Christine McC. | Monday, 03 November 2008 at 01:19 PM

Alli, you are right to cause trouble for Shane, but for the wrong reasons. The pictures he posts of taunt the male soul with something he cannot possess. Besides, he's the one wearing the silly clothes.

Capitalism cannot die, it is human nature. If I want someone to do something for me I have to give them something in return. After a while and with enough buyers and sellers a market develops. It may not be a perfect market, but you remember the price you last paid and you go and ask someone else what they would charge. Capitalism is in the bazaar and the souk as much as it is in Wall Street. It was regulation (a leftist tendency) that failed to rein in the excesses caused by other forms of regulation. Captain Capitalism's theory is that the Dow Jones Industrial average is still overvalued because people have been encouraged to buy shares for retirement simply because they have always gone up, not for any inherent value. With cheap credit, encouraged by Greenspan (originally under Clinton) and Brown (a socialist), the housing market went into a bubble just like Japan's back in in the early 90s.

Anyway, enough teenage angst and thankfully I'm not bored alone. In fact I'm not usually bored, which is nice. Maybe my Nirvana reference was wasted. My point is that I was in the Sahara with a small group of Christian Youth Leaders from my locality almost exactly two years ago. It was my turn to give my testimony and afterwards the leader suggested the group lay on hands and pray for me. I had a faint vision of a path and I was comforted that God has a plan for me. Though I still don't know of the details. At the minute I quite like knowing this. Personally I don't have any plan at all except to drift. While I don't mind that day to day, I don't like to look forward and see myself the same as I am today. And don't diss me for liking John Eldredge. His writing may not be perfect, but it is easy to read and I believe his ideas are Biblical and that they reach a deep well within a man's soul.

Finally in my ultralong post, do you read Jon Acuff's Stuff Christian's Like blog? He recently wrote that he keeps asking God what's next and God replies 'what's now?' http://stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com/2008/10/425-little-david-caruso-on-our.html

Posted by: John Ferguson | Monday, 03 November 2008 at 05:48 PM

Shane,

Hi, I may or may not know you from NI and YFC and I see Jessie is our mutual friend. I found your blog and - while I couldn't disagree more with your anti-capitalism and anti-Americanism (I'm confident you'll eventually discover that capitalism is something to value) - I hear you in this post and understand what you're feeling.

I got married young, at 21, and had a baby a year and a half later. I'm now 28 and it's a mixed bag: all of the love and spontaneity and excitement of married life is still there and we love life together, our kid is 5 and having fun. At the same time we have ambitions that are frustratingly out of grasp at times, we're living somewhere we'd certainly be thinking about moving from if we hadn't just finally moved into the house we spent 4 years building, and we haven't had a second child as we'd wanted.

So.... what to do? I suspect a post like this derives more from restless emotions rather than a rational thought. In which case it's about finding peace and finding usefulness to occupy your time, both of which I've struggled with a little myself this summer. It turns out that it may be better to be IN the 'rat race' than out. It turns out it's not impossible to be unique, different, great, within conventional channels. It turns out there are things you can do right here, right now to put your heart at peace and advance your ambitions too (the internet is a wonderful thing).

Also, I hope you find some peace.

Good luck,

John

Posted by: John Wright | Monday, 10 November 2008 at 11:47 AM

"i want to be a different kind of husband, father, citizen, christian, man. different than i’ve been taught;"

I don't think you have to worry.
You will be different.

Posted by: Nathanael | Monday, 17 November 2008 at 01:59 PM

thanks for the comments guys. i appreciate the interest, encouragement and exhortation. to answer the questions: dot - i am definitely a 4 with all it's associated joys and woes! dawn - thanks for the hamlet and the reality check on the moral bankruptcy of the movie!! to both of you, i do try to stay in the moment as much as possible but (being a 4) i do go through long bouts of wrestling with my destiny!

dee - you're a wee joy and such an encouragement. thanks for the reminders of marks left behind in unseen places.

christine - there's something in that restlessness that demands exploration. i'm not sure if it's that we're maggie's children, or simply that we're humans longing for a touch of the devine, but whatever it is freud teaches us that dreams mean something!

john and john - thanks for the comments and companionship in the journeying here. i really don't believe that capitalism is human nature, neither is an assault on it at all "anti-american" (i'm actually quite proud to live north of the superpower now they have a leader who can speak in whole sentences again). that seems far too defeatist for me. (more of that in my next post methinks)

so in general, thanks for tuning in and counseling me through midlife everyone! stay tuned for more angst to come no doubt!!

Posted by: shane magee | Monday, 17 November 2008 at 03:27 PM

Shane you are wrong about capitalism (its excesses have been shown up for the worthless moneymaking for the few scheme it was building the illusion of wealth from a worthless pile of debt. It will change and survive hopefully in a much better form). And those new countries you talk about are just as greedy and selfish as the West....they will not provide a new way but rehash the same system because their is no alternative.

But I completely understand your other point about feeling restless and not knowing the answers anymore. I get frustrated as I try and make a difference and yet I look at others who say they love God but just settle down in their little lives without a thought of bringing Gods kingdom into this world yet they are happy, or content, with what they have. With an amazing wife and a newborn son I should be happy with my lot but Jesus last words were "Go and make disciples of all nations" and thats what our yardstick should be.

Posted by: Peter Mcilvenna | Tuesday, 18 November 2008 at 11:29 AM

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